This May the Fourth is a rather auspicious occasion. In addition to being the traditional Star Wars recognition day, it is also Free Comic Book Day, the Iron Man 3 release weekend, a night of a new Doctor Who episode, and the UK's Bank Holiday weekend. (Admittedly, Star Wars Day and FCBD are always in the first days of May, and Marvel's release schedule is sticking to the same pattern) To celebrate, I decided to re-watch Star Wars Episode I, the film I have watched the fewest number of times. I always remember the many reasons why I don't. Yet I thought I'd give it another shot.
This was a terrible decision. This film is horrid. Within just the opening crawl, I asked myself... Why is Star Wars Episode I so bad? There are many questions I have about this film. This is a non-exhaustive list.
- Why is this an action movie about a trade war started by tariffs? How did focus groups not stop this?
- Why don't Nute Gunray's lips move properly? Why does he sound like a stereotypical Asian?
- Why is the dialogue so very terrible? "uh... What? Uh... Does not compute... Uh... You're... under arrest."
- Why is there an annoying black guy? Everyone in the movie hates him, from his first moment, and he does nothing but mess things up and serve as a failed comedic blackface throwback.
- Why is Padmé Amidala undercover as a handmaiden named Padmé? Don't people know Queen Amidala's first name? Shouldn't she assume the name of Sabé, her double?
- How can everyone in the galaxy communicate if they use different languages and demonstrate no active use of universal translators? Who can and can't understand droids? Why are protocol droids necessary at all if creatures can communicate? What the hell does Shmi need one for anyway?
- Midichlorians. No question, this problem kind of presents itself.
- VIRGIN BIRTH. Again, no question here. Just... virgin birth. Seriously.
- Why were we supposed to be sad with Qui-Gon's death? How could we feel a connection to him when he's been so stoic? In fact, why even have him? What does he add to the prequels or the series at large?
- Why is this movie happening to me again?